At the National Association for Pupil Transportation Annual Conference and Trade Show (ACTS) in Grand Rapids, Michigan, keynote speaker Darryl Bellamy inspired the audience with creating transparency around common fears and how to move forward from fear paralysis.
Bellamy said during his Nov. 1 presentation that over his career he has collected 75,000 fears handwritten by individuals from a wide variety of backgrounds and careers. He explained that across the ages, from 8 years old to 80, the fears seem to fall into the same categories. He led attendees through multiple interactive exercises to analyze their individual reactions to fear.
After the first exercise, where attendees closed their eyes to visualize what thoughts the word “fear” triggered, Bellamy explained that generally people have a negative feeling when it comes to fear. However, he said, fear is not the enemy. Inaction is. Fear is a natural response, a check-engine light to signal us that we are feeling discomfort or unsafe and is something we need to survive as humans. But it cannot stop us from pushing through.
“What I truly want is for you to not feel fearless, but to fear a little less,” said Bellamy.
The next exercise had each member of the audience write down their greatest fears on pieces of paper and then place them in a symbolic fire on the stage. Bellamy read aloud some of these written responses, noting the common themes and statements made. These included fear of how we are perceived, fear of not accomplishing goals, fear of appearing incompetent, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing a job or income, fear of making mistakes and fear of letting others down.
Volunteers from the audience stood up to voice their biggest fears, and Bellamy asked the rest of the attendees to affirm their agreement with each fear by snapping their fingers. This demonstration, he said, proves that while fear can feel very isolating, oftentimes we are facing similar fears as do the people around us.
One attendee said, “My biggest fear is that someone is going to outwork me, that they’re smarter than me.” Another said “People who know me see me as strong, powerful but inside I feel like an imposter. I’m so scared, so anxious.” Many of the attendees nodded in agreement with the statement, “I fear that I’m not being an effective enough leader for my team,” and “I fear that my best won’t be enough.”
“You’re never alone in your journey. We just don’t talk about it enough. The fears we hide are the ones that connect us the most. Don’t keep it in your head, talk with someone about it, you give it less your power and we can work through it a little bit easier,” said Bellamy.
Bellamy said the first step is to “trace” or identify the fear, name it and break out of the “fear loop,” which he defined by feelings of stress, helplessness, distrust, dread, panic and anxiety. The next step is to “embrace” by managing your response and taking action.
He explained his 5-Second Rule. “When a thought comes into our head, we usually talk ourselves in or out of it in five seconds.” He used the metaphor of a retreat, where individuals were on a high-ropes course, and one woman was too afraid to let go of the rope to get back off the course. Bellamy said he counted out loud from five to one, and her instinct helped her let go. He explained that when we’re in a fear loop, our bodies often show physical signs of tension. Making a small change, such as deep breathing or smiling, can unlock the ability to take action. This action, Bellamy explained, may not always be perfect, but it promotes learning and growth as opposed to inaction.
Bellamy gave his list of the five questions he encourages attendees to ask themselves in a moment of fear:
1. What exactly am I afraid of?
2. What if it goes well?
3. If I failed, how would I grow?
4. What would be my first steps?
5. What regret would I have if I didn’t take action?
The final step, said Bellamy, is “grace,” being kind to yourself and bouncing back when things don’t go perfectly. He said reminds himself that we’re all on the same journey of life iwith the statement, “I made the best decision with the information and who I was at the time.”
Often, the uncertainty and the regret of inaction is what will cause more stress in the long run, he said. He referenced a study that asked subjects to write down all the things they were worried about and then track those events over the next 30 days. The study found that only 15 percent of the worries came to fruition while 79 percent turned out better than expected. He ended with words of encouragement. “You’ve survived 100 percent of your bad days. The goal is not perfection, it’s progress,” he shared.
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